I See Your Point

"I see your point, it makes perfect sense why you would think that. I'm not surprised and wouldn't expect you to think anything differently. I also totally disagree. "

Years ago I developed a model that basically states that practically and logical consistency are oppositional concepts. It was a good model and of coarse I've been trying to find a way to have both ever since. I have failed completely but at least the model was solid.

I have recently watched these four movies....and my head is spinning. I have been living a mortal life for a few years now.
I used to live in my head. It was my kingdom, I was a superhero, my ideas where my identity. In the world out side I walked around as Bruce Wayne but in my head I was Batman but much like the batman I suffered from loneliness. The full knowledge that no one can ever see inside my head where the real me lives.

This set of media along with life happening, where I find myself getting so far away from the gnostic monk super hero I once was is causing me to think. Of coarse when I think like this I blog. When I need a container for my thoughts to keep them from swirling around in my head.
So here is a quick breakdown of these 4 movies.

The Batman- an overall good movie with some annoying modern propaganda sown into it. But the riddler character was interesting. I often find modern villains that expose corruption but use violence to establish justice are interesting. It raises that question about ethics and what is good or bad. The blurred line between hero and villain.

I had seen this before in this story the hero is the justice seeker who is using violence unlike The Batman which I'm guessing the Batman would have tried to stop V. So the contrast between the two movies is very interesting and shows how we ask the movie early on to tell us who to root for.

Besides The Fountain this is the most impactful movie I have ever seen. I have to watch it again. Profound, brilliant and at one point I almost had to shut it off because I could hear my own ego getting angry with it's message. The fight that I put to the side. The enemy I stopped battling because challenging the ego takes so much mental margin that there is no way to do it and be anything that resembles a decent husband or father. I took the battle as far as I could at the time. I knew that the real chalange was in the practicle and I have not found a way to pull that victory out of my head into the material world and that makes me so frustrated. I don't know if it can be done. Budda left.  Anyway, this movie shook me up. It reminded me of the path I used to walk.

I am left thinking (to the religious) there is a good chance the that your ego is pretending to be God inside your head.

And this one, I've been trying to find time to watch this. David Bazan was an evangelical christian who was a popular musician and then renounced his Christianity. He struggles with drinking and trying to figure out how to reconcile the ideas on heaven, hell and everything in between. I am now back living in a place where Christianity is prevalent and I see that because I have studied it I know it's problems it seems so ridiculous and at the same time it's familiar nature feels like home. I am going back to Rochester this summer and it is forcing me to deal with these old thoughts. My parents are having a party at the church and inviting the church and it's basically to show off that I am no longer a punk and have a wife and kid.

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These are little peaces of thoughts. You see I made the wonderful mistake of structuring my thought process as a fractal so I my brain is building a knowledge base that has no separate categories. Everything is interconnected and as I build it my ability to communicate it is reduced with every step forward I take.
The physical aspects of the brain still need to repair and recharge. I'm in a place mentally that can be described as a tolerance problem. When I was an alcoholic I found a way to optimally build tolerance but the biology still hit it's capacity in terms of the amount of liquid I could process. In this way I have lopped back to practicality and have tried to keep learning and trying to continue to interact with people and not get frustrated because it is so difficult to not reference the topics that I am focused on that are not commonly discussed.

I can't really blog anymore because there is no way to give context to the thoughts as there is too much back story. Much like when you speak to someone once a week you have a weeks worth of things to discuss but if you speak once a month, or once a year it quickly becomes never because it would take far too much time to catch up on all the things that have happened.

I go back to the blogs and they make me happy, some do, others make me cringe and I'm tempted to delete stuff but then I would have no reference which the point of the blog was to give me a though process reference.

In any case, I encourage you to watch Revolver and see if his battle becomes yours for an instant in the elevator.  See if you struggle with the realization that the voice in you head and also the one listing to it are both you and also aren't.

Sorry this is so choppy, which is how I feel most of the time when I try to communicate without my persona on. I have a decent character to present in my normal interactions. I can't exactly shut off the program that I started and I see that it will continue to make things hard on me because I can still only say one word at a time even if I have several interconnected thoughts flowing through my head.

I will say that I seem to be able to understand others and at the same time my understanding of them comes with the understanding that I can't change them.