A Defended Castle Can't Expand

I have tried to make this site a very authentic picture of my thought process. My past, my health journey and the blogs. Telling the story of my ideas and realizations. This site is more for me than for anyone as it is so easy to forget. Going back to past posts and working on new ones has been impactful for my process. These blogs are largely freestyle unedited stream of consciousness stuff. 
​I just posted Neurogenesis Vs depression Part 4 
This series has been impactful for me as it has helped me to see how happiness can be sustained and as soon as that happened I was hit with the greatest block to my real core happiness. Let me explain. 
Our brains from 0-7 are in a theta brain state. We are not fully in reality which allows us to imagine things and play with reality much more than adult brains. At the same time this is when our core subconscious identity is being formed. As always I view the physical and conceptual brain as a tree (a fractal) and these formative years are essentially the core branches coming out of the trunk.
The core lenses that all the other branches of information will be filtered through. It is very important to note that the subconscious formation of these branches is not rational it is a dry sponge soaking up information and it will absorb poison just as easy as anything else. It also at least for some of the time does not know language. What does it know?  stimulus, action, facial expressions, environmental imputes. 
This awareness from a brain perspective makes me look at any number of events that would be traumas for an adult brain even more traumatic to an infant not less. We think its ok the baby won't remember it....they won't consciously remember it but their brain will record it and factor it in as a significant development tool (circumcision seems pretty evil if you think about it) and what is memory if not information that is retained to establish future conscious or subconscious programs. 
It is important for me to remind myself and you that what ever you where exposed to at this time was not your fault. 

It is not your fault 

if you saw a baby in the cold you would not think stupid baby should go inside and get warm. It was not your fault but it is now your responsibility. Hard truth. (the circumcised  is a good one...you didn't choose that nothing to feel guilty about) 

This may seem obvious to people who have had children but I have not and I, up to this point, have not gone back to my own early life. You see I was taken from my mother at birth. I was passed around a bit, renamed several times and I'm told at one point I was supposed to be kept but the couple got pregnant so I got passed on again. This is a problem because it is better to not bond with a baby than to bond and sever it as it can alter the ability to bond in the future. I was adopted at the age of 2 which sounds very young but 2 years out of 7 accounts for a massive amount of programming. It as my life went on became clear to me that I did not bond with my adopted parents. I like them as people, I don't think they are neuro development experts and probably where not consciously doing the things needed to over come the obstacles set up within my neurology. They tried but these things don't just happen,  neurology requires conscious intervention. 
As I grew up I felt disconnected from my family and in tern socially and in turn culturally and in turn globally. 
What does this look like? Like a punk rocker. Like an addict that identifies with substances instead of people. Like someone who unconsciously pushes people away. Like a person that cant stand to see happy people. 
You see my brain could not reason or speak a language (at least not well) in my 0-7 formation. The lens my brain learned subconsciously was this (This is where this post gets tough) 

The program I was taught by my environment was 

I am not lovable 
&
Everyone leaves 

Now because this was the foundation lens for everything in my life subconsciously my brain is constantly trying to validate these ideas. Why? because it is easy to prune a tree at the tips but be careful if you cut off the primary branches because everything built on it will go with it. 
Even typing this right now my brain is glitching. Trying to apply intellect to my subconscious program that was not formed by reason but by environment. 
You see I have spent years pruning my tree. Changing my brain. This is a process that has to be done over time so as to not kill the tree. You see when a person has an identity crisis of some type or faces a trauma their brain can not support the brains branches much like a tree in a storm branches can snap. If they are primary branches sometime the whole tree goes down.

(Be kind when you see "crazy" people talking to themselves. There brain tree was probably thriving at one point....it probably looked like your brain and we as a society have to recognize how fragile we all are which is a big reason I do this blog to show people how to support their brain health physically and conceptually.)

The conflict in my brain - I am consciously and subconsciously trying to validate my foundations of world perceptions and at the same time I am trying to be happy, feel loved and connected. 

What do I do with my two programs 

I am not lovable 
&
Everyone leaves 

​I rig it. I make sure that everyone leaves which establishes my unlovability. when this happens I feel relieved that my tree can stay intact and at the same time I hate that my tree is what it is. This leads to internal conflict and self destructive behavior. 

But I didn't intellectually know I was doing this. I didn't understand the neurology or my own development. I am scared to type all this like it is some secret that if the universe or my conscious mind finds out I will cave in because the lies we tell ourselves have a function. 
But I have been pruning this tree long enough. I have been slowly building to this point. 

The samurai image is comforting. The battle is always within myself. You see First I had to challenge the - I am weak program- Now I am strong. Strong enough to shift my weight onto the I am strong branch of my mind and cut off with a swift swipe both 

I am not lovable 
&
Everyone leaves 
Programs

and replace them with I am lovable and no one can leave because nothing is separate from me. If you read the neurogenesis vs depression series you will understand that my nervous system can extend into this world. It can remerge with everyone that I thought left in the past and I can integrate them into my mind in the most positive way so no one ever left. It is the idea of me being separate that had to leave. Now my cat, my plants and my friends are extensions of me, my enemies are extensions of me. 

I am lovable because I love my cat and my cat is an extension of me. No one ever leaves because I am grounded, I am tied to the same earth as them. You see if I remove those old programs and I'm doing my best to do that then everything up to this point was to teach me how to love myself and in turn everything else. Teachers. 

I am lovable

I get to stay me because I have grown the other branches of my tree enough over time to still be whole even with the loss of my deep rooted subconscious programs. 

Dare I ask what my life looks like if I don't have to view the world through those old lenses. I don't know and that can be scary but I am bored with the old program and so lets see what it looks like. 

I don't know why I am doing this site. Its not financially motivated but I guess it is an effort for me to make my ideas tangible. Some people love me and some hate me but this process is who I am. I'm not perfect and I have a lot of regrets but I can honestly say I didn't know I was operating from those programs or how to stop them from controlling my behaviors. I am doing my best to be better and it is my hope that others really take the time to search deep inside themselves for their own issues and you will see that the things that are getting you focus, love or hate exist within you.   

So there it is 
I am lovable ...haha still tough to type. Practice and patience.

a special thanks to my truest friend, I trust you