I have tried to make this site a very authentic picture of my thought process. My past, my health journey and the blogs. Telling the story of my ideas and realizations. This site is more for me than for anyone as it is so easy to forget. Going back to past posts and working on new ones has been impactful for my process. These blogs are largely freestyle unedited stream of consciousness stuff. 
​I just posted Neurogenesis Vs depression Part 4 
This series has been impactful for me as it has helped me to see how happiness can be sustained and as soon as that happened I was hit with the greatest block to my real core happiness. Let me explain. 
Our brains from 0-7 are in a theta brain state. We are not fully in reality which allows us to imagine things and play with reality much more than adult brains. At the same time this is when our core subconscious identity is being formed. As always I view the physical and conceptual brain as a tree (a fractal) and these formative years are essentially the core branches coming out of the trunk.
The core lenses that all the other branches of information will be filtered through. It is very important to note that the subconscious formation of these branches is not rational it is a dry sponge soaking up information and it will absorb poison just as easy as anything else. It also at least for some of the time does not know language. What does it know?  stimulus, action, facial expressions, environmental imputes. 
This awareness from a brain perspective makes me look at any number of events that would be traumas for an adult brain even more traumatic to an infant not less. We think its ok the baby won't remember it....they won't consciously remember it but their brain will record it and factor it in as a significant development tool (circumcision seems pretty evil if you think about it) and what is memory if not information that is retained to establish future conscious or subconscious programs. 
It is important for me to remind myself and you that what ever you where exposed to at this time was not your fault. 

It is not your fault 

if you saw a baby in the cold you would not think stupid baby should go inside and get warm. It was not your fault but it is now your responsibility. Hard truth. (the circumcised  is a good one...you didn't choose that nothing to feel guilty about) 

This may seem obvious to people who have had children but I have not and I, up to this point, have not gone back to my own early life. You see I was taken from my mother at birth. I was passed around a bit, renamed several times and I'm told at one point I was supposed to be kept but the couple got pregnant so I got passed on again. This is a problem because it is better to not bond with a baby than to bond and sever it as it can alter the ability to bond in the future. I was adopted at the age of 2 which sounds very young but 2 years out of 7 accounts for a massive amount of programming. It as my life went on became clear to me that I did not bond with my adopted parents. I like them as people, I don't think they are neuro development experts and probably where not consciously doing the things needed to over come the obstacles set up within my neurology. They tried but these things don't just happen,  neurology requires conscious intervention. 
As I grew up I felt disconnected from my family and in tern socially and in turn culturally and in turn globally. 
What does this look like? Like a punk rocker. Like an addict that identifies with substances instead of people. Like someone who unconsciously pushes people away. Like a person that cant stand to see happy people. 
You see my brain could not reason or speak a language (at least not well) in my 0-7 formation. The lens my brain learned subconsciously was this (This is where this post gets tough) 

The program I was taught by my environment was 

I am not lovable 
&
Everyone leaves 

Now because this was the foundation lens for everything in my life subconsciously my brain is constantly trying to validate these ideas. Why? because it is easy to prune a tree at the tips but be careful if you cut off the primary branches because everything built on it will go with it. 
Even typing this right now my brain is glitching. Trying to apply intellect to my subconscious program that was not formed by reason but by environment. 
You see I have spent years pruning my tree. Changing my brain. This is a process that has to be done over time so as to not kill the tree. You see when a person has an identity crisis of some type or faces a trauma their brain can not support the brains branches much like a tree in a storm branches can snap. If they are primary branches sometime the whole tree goes down.

(Be kind when you see "crazy" people talking to themselves. There brain tree was probably thriving at one point....it probably looked like your brain and we as a society have to recognize how fragile we all are which is a big reason I do this blog to show people how to support their brain health physically and conceptually.)

The conflict in my brain - I am consciously and subconsciously trying to validate my foundations of world perceptions and at the same time I am trying to be happy, feel loved and connected. 

What do I do with my two programs 

I am not lovable 
&
Everyone leaves 

​I rig it. I make sure that everyone leaves which establishes my unlovability. when this happens I feel relieved that my tree can stay intact and at the same time I hate that my tree is what it is. This leads to internal conflict and self destructive behavior. 

But I didn't intellectually know I was doing this. I didn't understand the neurology or my own development. I am scared to type all this like it is some secret that if the universe or my conscious mind finds out I will cave in because the lies we tell ourselves have a function. 
But I have been pruning this tree long enough. I have been slowly building to this point. 

The samurai image is comforting. The battle is always within myself. You see First I had to challenge the - I am weak program- Now I am strong. Strong enough to shift my weight onto the I am strong branch of my mind and cut off with a swift swipe both 

I am not lovable 
&
Everyone leaves 
Programs

and replace them with I am lovable and no one can leave because nothing is separate from me. If you read the neurogenesis vs depression series you will understand that my nervous system can extend into this world. It can remerge with everyone that I thought left in the past and I can integrate them into my mind in the most positive way so no one ever left. It is the idea of me being separate that had to leave. Now my cat, my plants and my friends are extensions of me, my enemies are extensions of me. 

I am lovable because I love my cat and my cat is an extension of me. No one ever leaves because I am grounded, I am tied to the same earth as them. You see if I remove those old programs and I'm doing my best to do that then everything up to this point was to teach me how to love myself and in turn everything else. Teachers. 

I am lovable

I get to stay me because I have grown the other branches of my tree enough over time to still be whole even with the loss of my deep rooted subconscious programs. 

Dare I ask what my life looks like if I don't have to view the world through those old lenses. I don't know and that can be scary but I am bored with the old program and so lets see what it looks like. 

I don't know why I am doing this site. Its not financially motivated but I guess it is an effort for me to make my ideas tangible. Some people love me and some hate me but this process is who I am. I'm not perfect and I have a lot of regrets but I can honestly say I didn't know I was operating from those programs or how to stop them from controlling my behaviors. I am doing my best to be better and it is my hope that others really take the time to search deep inside themselves for their own issues and you will see that the things that are getting you focus, love or hate exist within you.   

So there it is 
I am lovable ...haha still tough to type. Practice and patience.

a special thanks to my truest friend, I trust you 

The below post was written last night before I fell asleep. I want to remember those moments too and since this is m- My Thoughts- I'm adding it. This was my first conversation with god....maybe ever defiantly in 10 years. The first part is me being frustrated and lonely. 

I was religious once, I’m not now 

I’m more “spiritual”now in a wiser less innocent more complicated way. 

My brain is like a net trying to catch water. 

My heart is like water trying to catch a net. 

If I catch it everything will disappear so there is a part of me that is more worried about completion than not. The game of chasing god is far better than catching it and seeing that it was a mirror the whole time. If I could easily understand if it would not be the all. The all can’t fit inside my brain so anything that does fit in there isn’t the all just pieces of it. 

When I was young I knew God. I knew he was listening to all my thoughts and I know he heard me ask “if you are the all what do you have to be afraid of? I’m no threat to you. Why do you need me to worship you. Can love ever have the word hell attached to it and not be fear based? Is fear needed? I’m so scared I’ll fuck this up. I’m scared that just putting the word fuck in this prayer thought will keep me out. Was this predestined? Is the fact that I don’t believe this but am scared to say it out loud gonna send me to eternal pain? I’m scared? No one seems to really care about getting this right.” I was a child. I think the hell narrative is one not often addressed when teaching children about heaven. Kids aren’t stupid. They know that you can learn about something by its opposite. I knew. The sick message of heaven is the sick message of hell. It’s the ultimate fear program. 

It makes sense to me now. I understand archetypes, numbers, the names of the gods so to speak. I know that in the book they don’t seem to know which one is which and that’s why they are all so confused. 

I know now you can’t have both. Is is better to be loved or to be free? I don’t know. All I do know is that I am abundantly free. 

All this is brought on by hearing this song. Being alone. Missing my old friend alcohol. Writing addictive mind blog posts thinking that I shouldn’t tell others to quit. I should tell them to have one more, just one. There is no one waiting for you on the other side of it. It was always there to keep me feeling. But then I remember what I knew back then and couldn’t handle. The drink never loved me, she never loved me, I don’t matter, I didn’t matter back then, there is no escape, there is no way to force it to come to you. 

“Asking why did you let them leave and then make me stay?”

(god is in BOLD)
Was it all a lie the whole time or was some of it true? Was she or the drink or the beautify of it all just gonna leave me? You have to be honest.

-if that’s what you want. 
Yes, It was all a lie the whole time from the very first kiss, the first taste, the first moment, the first glance?

What was the point of me going through that kind of pain?

-So that you would become you now. The one finally strong enough to see it all for what it has always been.

Isn’t there any way I could have become a better version of myself with out having so much ache in the heart? My heart aches.

- No

Is everything an inevitability that I only find out about after it has happened?

- Yes

Freedom is an illusion?

- You’re free to reject the idea that it’s an illusion.

There’s no way out of this is there?

- No, not unless you want us both to disappear...and we then reappear later on when disappearing gets dull. So no.

There’s no point in asking any more questions is there?

- You can if it’s fun for you.

Is everything that exists just to create contrast? Is it all just a dance between order and chaos? Is it to avoid boredom?

- Are you’re questions keeping you from getting board?

......damn

- I know

I know you do. I’m you but not the same. You’re a tree and I’m a seed?

- Kind of, in a way we are that but we are also the wind in between.

Fuck....

- Yeah

God do you ever get pissed and wanna be an atheist instead of this weird gnostic or even worse be religious and put it all in a cage.

-haha Do I want to be an atheist is new one. Sometimes.  I am that through different glasses but you know what those things look like even though you can’t see the way I see it because you have been those things. 
Haha

Is this entertaining for you?

- yes

But you’re me

- yes, still not bored?

What if I post this on line? What if I tell people? What if everyone finds out they are god like the singularity?
Oh it doesn’t matter....but everything I do matters completely because it contributes to an inevitability that I only find out about after it happens to keep you from being bored? Would anyone even care? Wars have been fought over this shit. Do I matter?

- ask your self if you really want to know the future

Ok, ok 
I don’t

- besides you matter to me

Why?

- how can I explain this in a way you’ll understand? because I was a seed once.

So I matter to you?

- yes

What could I ever possibly do for you besides stop you from being bored?

- you can answer a question?

Me?

- yes, I wanna know what a seed has to say to an old tree like me. Us the wind wants to know to.

.....ok

-Was it all a lie the whole time or was some of it true? Was she or the drink or the beautify of it all just gonna leave me? You have to be honest.

......it hurts huh 
In a good way though kinda because you got to feel, right? 
Loved and lost type shit 
Made you who you are 
The one strong enough to see it for what it is.
I’m proud of you, you carried it this whole time

- thanks, that means a lot. I wanted to ask one more time

That thing you want, that you think will make you better will only make you different. So now life is a game of boredom instead of acquisition.

It will cost you what you have. The you now will stop existing the second you get the thing you are chasing. A new (you + new thing) version of you will exist. This is why our addictions are so crippling. 
I have never heard an explanation for alcohol better than a liquid that only makes you more thirsty the more you drink it. 
The fun of life is in thew pursuit of the thing. Imagine for a second that you could know the future. The second the future is known it becomes the past. The punishment is built into the the thing. this is the real meaning of karma. Not so much cause and effect as those things are two words but karma is one word like the word tree is both/neither the roots and the branches but if you know that you can't have pleasure with out an equal amount of pain even if that pain is the new pain of not getting to have more of the new pleasure these pleasure pain ideas can't be avoided and in the same way that some drugs balance the spikes and crashes life seems to be empty once there is balance. Inkow this sounds cruel and I'm not being mercilous to pewople in pain. I have been sick and scared but I will say that, for me, the worst part of it was the idea that I wouldn't ever recover. If yI had known I'd be better than evcer at this age I could have just waited....of coarse it was the fear of things getting worse thyat motivated me to make them better. I mean better as different because I was bored with feeling sick. 

Ask yourself. Do I want what I want of do I like wanting want I want?

I recently wrote a quote from Allan Watts 
 Rob Alexander
January 6 at 8:23 PM · “Model your own universe and see what comes out of it. What you will eventually find is that you model this one.”
Alan Watts
It is easy to say what should be done when there is absolutely no chance it will be done. The only thing a knowledgeable person can do is watch and see what happens because pushing one way or the other is just like holding your breath. The longer you do it the more air you will take in when your done.
2019 - realize you couldn’t do it better you could only do it different. You could help one and hurt another instead of helping another and hurting one.
Consider the idea that every thing that exists down to the tiniest thing you can imagine is a complete unavoidable envitability of all that is and that your awareness of that idea whether you like it or not is just much s part of it all as everything else. If one thing wasn’t exactly how it is, poof the whole thing disappears. Of coarse it disappears into nothingness and then reappears as soon as nothingness gets board which happens relatively fast since there’s nothing to do.
Here we are again. We just left and came back and the only thing I’m between that thought and the last one is the nothing space that glues our something spaces together.