One of the only nostalgic things I own is a ticket book that I have put every ticket from every show for the past 18 years. The first ticket that is in this book is a year 2000 DropKick Murphys ticket. Last night I saw the DropKicks. I must admit 18 years later made me realize how much I've changed. How I thought I knew so much back then. I always knew that at the time if I really quit drinking and smoking that it would be over. I'm ok with it being over now but I'm glad I got to see both sides. The dropkicks were a particularly good group to drink at as it's Irish punk. Lots of put your pint in the air type stuff. Last night they did a song and a shout out for everyone staying sober and over coming addiction. Strange but it was a pretty great tip of the hat to someone like me who shows up and doesn't drink.  
I ran into a friend who was drunk and it showed me what I used to look like. Of corse the show wasn't the same as it was back then but neither are the mornings. I feel good. Feeling like I have made it through. I changed my mind. Is it better to burn out or fade way, I switched to fade away. 

Good stuff at the farmers market today. There are so many things that are so fun to stop and look at. I think market places have always been that way. Something about being out doors and seeing the people selling things they grew. It makes me super grateful. I'm not one to grow things myself. I spoke to someone this morning who lives in Scotland and is visiting, she mentioned that they don't have fruit there. So funny the things I take for granted. Living in California really does offer some very fun options. I remember trying to tell my mother back in Rochester what avocados are like. natures butter, fatty plants. 

So I go my figs and fresh pomegranate juice. Some sprouts for a friend. I think about my grandfather who used to sell stuff at markets and my dad did for a while. I never saw them and as a kid who grew up in the city I was very detached from the idea of plants coming out of the ground. If I take time to think about them I get amazed with the complexity. As I start to improve my health by relying more on the sun and the earth and less on my stomach I think of humans as mobil trees. Trees are always grounded and always reaching up to collect light. Humans can detach from the sun and the earth and rely on our stomaches while we are detached but we are supposed to plug back in to the ground and the sun. if we do we don't have to rely on food so much to get our electrons, the little things that carry light. The reason we eat. Light is information and we are light containers. If you are low on light you will have low charge, low energy. 

I wish I could go to the market with my grandfather. I didn't appreciate the complexity of his simple life. 

I'm doing my 44 hour fast. I do this once a week for now and it has gotten to be be something I enjoy but is still difficult. It does make me a bit more meditative. Its chilly this morning, cloudy and I love it. My jacket now has purpose. I came out to the park after laying in bed extra long just because it was so cold. I came out to my park, the birds seem happy. I'm listening to old emo music that seems to fit my moment. 

About a year and a half ago I was introduced to Alan Watts and now I want to introduce you. Alan lives inside youtube and other places I'm sure. He talks about contrast, dualism, life, death and I love listening to him. He doesn't have an agenda or a religion to promote he just enjoys the conversation and I do to. He seems to say things that I can only think and not explain. He is different from me, more fun, more experiential. 
I've listened to the ideas on interconnected dualism over and over. Such deep reprogramming has to happen, it's a paradox. Is the tree the roots or the branches, Both/Neither 
Society constantly gives us false dichotomies Us vs Them we pick a side because our brains can't handle the constant paradox of both/neither. We are all one....and at the same time we are all unique. Anyone who says everything is love is missing out on dualistic recognition. Everything in nature goes in cycles, that just dualism positioned in time. It's all a swirling dance day and night, conservative and liberal, inhale and exhale. Pick one and the dance stops. Each one feeds the other. I can't pick sides because I'm watching the dance so i'm glad for those that have picked. they have to believe the drama is real that their side is right and not see that the thing they are opposed to is what they are in love with, what they spend their time thinking about and talking about. 

And just at this moment the sun came out through the trees. Contrast is all there is 
dualism painted on the canvas of time

Here's what Alan had to say today
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7PR-jdwy6Ro&t=915s
​

It's a grey morning today and I'm thinking about how funny it is thew way this seem to come back around. Last night before I fell asleep I remembered an old hard drive that I had from years ago that I pulled all the info off of a computer that died. I have no idea what made me think of this. It's been years and never once did I even give it a thought. So I got up and turned the light on I found this thing completely buried in an old box. 
Doing this blog and seeing my old writing has defiantly stirred up lots of old thoughts from my past life. I go through phases where I will chip away at the past and then put it back on the shelf until my emotional margin builds back up and I can give it another go. Trying to say good things to my parents and looking at who I was and also being interested to see who I will become. Anyway, after I found it I went to sleep and I slept so very deep and had very realistic dreams. The kind of dreams that are so realistic that when you wake up you try to sort out what was a dream and what were real memories from the past. It's about fall now which is my favorite season. I love cold nights and I sleep so much better.

This morning I plugged in the hard drive in and sure enough so much stuff I had completely forgotten about. I know that I have to take advantage of this look back phase in order to move forward so I'm looking at things with a different set of eyes. Trying to rewrite memories. I'm not sure what the future holds but it seems like good things are coming and it's important that I deal with as much of the past as I can before I move forward. 

*I'll paint you a picture of my moment. I'm sitting at a park in the sunshine. I decided to take risk and leave my laundry to come and sit in the sun. laundry is probably my least favorite thing in life. I slept in today. Which felt fantastic for a moment until I realized how late it was and how much or the morning was gone forever while I lay sound asleep. 
I'm feeling kind of sleepy and my shuffle of songs pulled up some old slow stuff that is filled with memories. I couldn't help it I'm listening and it's kind of perfect. 
I got going and made it to the farmers market to get some stuff, pretty sure none of it's organic blah blah but I figure I'll live and I want to support the idea of the farmers market as it makes me happy. I've been drinking yerba mate tea for some time I like it but at the farmers market there was no tea but there was coffee so I'm having my first cup since January and it's...well it's better than yerba mate. I'm sore from the crossfit yesterday. I'm starting to realize that sore does not mean muscle growth in quite the way I wish it did.

I always mis spell muscle and every time I do I remember my uncle John saying mus-cles (no idea how to spell how it sounded) but he was strong and then he got sick, slowly faded and then he died. I didn't see my aunt Nancy and uncle John when I was a kid. They moved around a lot. They were a strange contrast to my parents. My mother is so very anti change and my aunt nancy is change all the time as far as I could tell as a kid. We lived down the street from where my mom grew up and my aunt Nancy and uncle John lived in a different state every year it seemed. I guess at first my dad dated my aunt and my uncle dated my mom and then they switched. My mom and my dad ended up together. As an adult I think that may have been just a second place trophy for them both but neither one would have been happy with my aunt and uncles gypsy way of livingThey had kids, my cousins Scott and Stacy. Both seemed like a much cooler contrast to me and my brother as I was a fat kid and my brother was well just picture the nerd archetype star trek ect. My cousin Stacy would give me a hard time about being fat (I think she is over weight now) and I haven't seen Scott in I have no idea how long, maybe 25 years. Not much concept of family in my life at this point. 

As I get older I realize that my uncle was family and a very cool person and I didn't know him. I don't have much to remember for him and he is gone. No way for me to know as a kid, I think back to different people who died and I guess I thought things would come back around and then they didn't. I am very ware that in most cases you don't know something was the last time until much later. So here's to my Uncle John a man I didn't know but have a few fond memories of.  ​

I think today I'll take a break from posting pieces of my old writing and just give some thoughts for the day. 
I want to make sure I remember how important it is to wait for things and to keep walking while you wait. There are so many things I have learned but in the past didn't have the margin to implement. Most of them are on this site. So many things that I know would be good for me but that I thought I would get around to later. Well, apparently it's later. I am finally putting all the pieces together. Getting the results I want but also really enjoying the process. I am so grateful for the life I have and for the good things that are happening. I still have my days but yesterday after a cross fit workout (something I was very opposed to in the past) I finally went and jumped in the ocean. I have been here by the ocean for almost a year knowing the benefits and just now am building this into my routine and the moment the water hit me as the sun was going down I had this perfect moment of clarity. I then went and ate really good food, all food tastes great after fasting and working out. I really am enjoying this process and this site has been so helpful for me to have a hub for my ideas to keep fine tuning my routines. It also gives me something to deviate from. Having the routine there helps me know how to adjust in really time so that I can live not just a healthy life but a happy one. 
I know this is a good phase and that everything goes in cycles, challenges are coming I'm just building up life worth of victories so that the challenges don't seem so tough. I would like to think i'll make new mistakes instead of repeating the ones I've already made. 

I will say this, if there are people in your life at work or home or in friendship, anywhere, find a way to get away from those people. When we change others don't know it and they will treat you like the same old person. ​

*Stepping away from the past writing stuff this morning. I'm off today, sitting at Linnaeas in slo with some free time. Just came from the farmers market and got some sun shine this morning and I'm feeling good. First I'm realizing just how different I am than I was few years ago when I lived in slo and frequented this spot. They are playing a fantastic song by M.Ward, a favorite what do you do with the pieces of a broken heart? great song it sounds better when you smell coffee and look over to see the local art on the walls. So that's my moment. It's a good one. 

Ok on to the thoughts. I started a Health Blog on this website as the site is all about health and I want to have something that is split off from this so that I can document my health progress ect. anyway, yesterday I posted my weight chart that I have been tracking as I've been loosing fat. Feel free to check it out but since I posted it I have been thinking a lot about the chart. I have more days that my weight goes up than goes down but the days when my weight goes down it is in larger amounts so the trend of weight loss is a good one. So lets say weight gain is a loss and weight loss is a win. I have more losses than wins but the wins are much more significant. 

This feels like life. I fail way more than I win but the failures are way less significant than the wins. 

This is a good thing for me to remember. I knew this in the past but for some reason it really clicked for me yesterday and helped to make sense of my life. I have always been taking risks with business knowing that there each loss teaches you something and that the hits count for much more. As a joke I tell people I've been a week away from greatness for years. I see now that I am going for big wins and am ok with small losses. This isn't better or worse than someone who hates the risk that goes along with rolling the dice in life. Is it better to burn out or fade away? who can say? they are equal and opposite but it is important that we know ourselves. I know that I would rather spend a life time trying for something bigger than settle for the small life I seem to have at the moment because it's fun. That's what I have to remember when I fail, the process of playing the game of life is fun and a game that you never loose at is no fun. It's the thought that you almost lost but won that really makes it fun. 

​Pay attention to the trend and not the number of losses