Excuse Me....God - I've got a question

The below post was written last night before I fell asleep. I want to remember those moments too and since this is m- My Thoughts- I'm adding it. This was my first conversation with god....maybe ever defiantly in 10 years. The first part is me being frustrated and lonely. 

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I was religious once, I’m not now 

I’m more “spiritual”now in a wiser less innocent more complicated way. 

My brain is like a net trying to catch water. 

My heart is like water trying to catch a net. 

If I catch it everything will disappear so there is a part of me that is more worried about completion than not. The game of chasing god is far better than catching it and seeing that it was a mirror the whole time. If I could easily understand if it would not be the all. The all can’t fit inside my brain so anything that does fit in there isn’t the all just pieces of it. 

When I was young I knew God. I knew he was listening to all my thoughts and I know he heard me ask “if you are the all what do you have to be afraid of? I’m no threat to you. Why do you need me to worship you. Can love ever have the word hell attached to it and not be fear based? Is fear needed? I’m so scared I’ll fuck this up. I’m scared that just putting the word fuck in this prayer thought will keep me out. Was this predestined? Is the fact that I don’t believe this but am scared to say it out loud gonna send me to eternal pain? I’m scared? No one seems to really care about getting this right.” I was a child. I think the hell narrative is one not often addressed when teaching children about heaven. Kids aren’t stupid. They know that you can learn about something by its opposite. I knew. The sick message of heaven is the sick message of hell. It’s the ultimate fear program. 

It makes sense to me now. I understand archetypes, numbers, the names of the gods so to speak. I know that in the book they don’t seem to know which one is which and that’s why they are all so confused. 

I know now you can’t have both. Is is better to be loved or to be free? I don’t know. All I do know is that I am abundantly free. 

All this is brought on by hearing this song. Being alone. Missing my old friend alcohol. Writing addictive mind blog posts thinking that I shouldn’t tell others to quit. I should tell them to have one more, just one. There is no one waiting for you on the other side of it. It was always there to keep me feeling. But then I remember what I knew back then and couldn’t handle. The drink never loved me, she never loved me, I don’t matter, I didn’t matter back then, there is no escape, there is no way to force it to come to you. 

“Asking why did you let them leave and then make me stay?”

(god is in BOLD)
Was it all a lie the whole time or was some of it true? Was she or the drink or the beautify of it all just gonna leave me? You have to be honest.

-if that’s what you want. 
Yes, It was all a lie the whole time from the very first kiss, the first taste, the first moment, the first glance?

What was the point of me going through that kind of pain?

-So that you would become you now. The one finally strong enough to see it all for what it has always been.

Isn’t there any way I could have become a better version of myself with out having so much ache in the heart? My heart aches.

- No

Is everything an inevitability that I only find out about after it has happened?

- Yes

Freedom is an illusion?

- You’re free to reject the idea that it’s an illusion.

There’s no way out of this is there?

- No, not unless you want us both to disappear...and we then reappear later on when disappearing gets dull. So no.

There’s no point in asking any more questions is there?

- You can if it’s fun for you.

Is everything that exists just to create contrast? Is it all just a dance between order and chaos? Is it to avoid boredom?

- Are you’re questions keeping you from getting board?

......damn

- I know

I know you do. I’m you but not the same. You’re a tree and I’m a seed?

- Kind of, in a way we are that but we are also the wind in between.

Fuck....

- Yeah

God do you ever get pissed and wanna be an atheist instead of this weird gnostic or even worse be religious and put it all in a cage.

-haha Do I want to be an atheist is new one. Sometimes.  I am that through different glasses but you know what those things look like even though you can’t see the way I see it because you have been those things. 
Haha

Is this entertaining for you?

- yes

But you’re me

- yes, still not bored?

What if I post this on line? What if I tell people? What if everyone finds out they are god like the singularity?
Oh it doesn’t matter....but everything I do matters completely because it contributes to an inevitability that I only find out about after it happens to keep you from being bored? Would anyone even care? Wars have been fought over this shit. Do I matter?

- ask your self if you really want to know the future

Ok, ok 
I don’t

- besides you matter to me

Why?

- how can I explain this in a way you’ll understand? because I was a seed once.

So I matter to you?

- yes

What could I ever possibly do for you besides stop you from being bored?

- you can answer a question?

Me?

- yes, I wanna know what a seed has to say to an old tree like me. Us the wind wants to know to.

.....ok

-Was it all a lie the whole time or was some of it true? Was she or the drink or the beautify of it all just gonna leave me? You have to be honest.

......it hurts huh 
In a good way though kinda because you got to feel, right? 
Loved and lost type shit 
Made you who you are 
The one strong enough to see it for what it is.
I’m proud of you, you carried it this whole time

- thanks, that means a lot. I wanted to ask one more time