Beautiful By Comparison - The Enabler

   Many times the enabler knows the situation and prefers it because of the safety and control that is involved. Think back to high school and then think of the hottest girl you knew. Ok, now think about her ugly friend. Was the hottest girl really that hot or did she just position herself to appear hot by comparison. If the ugly friend becomes hot all of a sudden then the first hot girl has allot more work to do. What a perfect place to be if you don't want to have to change anything about yourself and you want to control everything but still not be alone. The enabler can have people feel sorry for them, appear so loyal and caring, and is never under threat of being asked to change. This is why many enablers get very scared if the ugly person next to them becomes good looking all of a sudden. 
            Both the addict and enabler lie to each other and lie to themselves. To break out of enabling clear boundaries must be set. If you use I will stop supporting you, and then the key is when the person uses actually stop supporting them. The addict will not believe the enabler any more that the enabler believes the addict when they say that was the last time. The addict will then test the enabler to see if they really mean it. This is the same testing that goes on by the enabler when the addict tries to convince the enabler that they really are sober. That is why it is so important to watch the actions of the person. The words are the same when someone actually changes and when they want people to believe actual change has taken place when it hasn't. The action is different every time. 
            Don't be an enabler to people, it will prevent them from changing. ​

*It's pretty clear to me the codependent dynamics exist everywhere but the more extreme the case the more destructive it becomes and the more recognized it is as a problem. In the same way the many people struggle with depression but extreme cases can no longer function. The functional depressed person is still depressed by we need some way to evaluate things and all measuring sticks are arbitrary and also can be very functional. Anyway, I my self have become far too aware of codependent dynamics and am not interested in them. the enabler wants control and to be comparably stable the other is afraid of personal responsibility so they give up control. Its an interesting dance and if either person changes the other will leave as the function of the relationship was always codependency. 
I believe tit is important for people to be alone. Not all the time but sometimes. To have the ability to see who you are when no one is watching and to see how you relate to the world when you aren't propped up by the codependent dynamics we use to make us appear strong. Know yourself.