Its the end of the year. A good time for reflection. I can say this has been a great year by all measures. I feel stronger, smarter better than ever and that is a really good thing if you can honestly say it. I see who I am and I know that I have become better from all the time I spent being worse.
I am looking at myself relative to others. It is the only category that I haven't seemed to make progress in, the relational one. I am in a place where I really want to see things for what they are so I'm completely open to see my faults, they are many, especially in the relationship column as I can never seem to make sense of things.
The story that is generating this post is from yesterday as I heard from an ex girlfriend. One that was particularly messy and flaky with her actions but such a wonderful talker that you really want to believe the things she says. Its the end of the year so I get the re connect and reflect thing. I was happy to hear from her. She is pregnant now which made me happy (and even more happy that she didn't get pregnant when we were together) but here is the thing, if you haven't seen someone in a long time its as if you have to revert to the old person just talk to them in order to have a conversation. I didn't like who I was when I was with this person several years ago and I am very different now. Of coarse very quickly the girl starts talking about the people we used to know. How this one hates me for this and another hates me for that. Going down the list. I have encountered a number of different types of people this year. Mostly "friends" who wanted me to go along with their stuff. I never do that as it is an instant tell that the person is trying to leverage themselves and isn't a real friend instead someone trying to use the "friendship" too get away with things. A drug addict, a lair, a thief, a shady sales person, a person making promises and then never mentioning them again I( could go on but i'm cringing. The ex girlfriend went down the list at least with the people she knows. She then invited me to a concert that night and then never sent me the details, typical for this person. I was so upset but more with myself for thinking that this person would be different. For falling for the trap..... again. I did it in my past marriage, I've done it in my present relationships. But its taking me way less time to find out the truth of people. I know why people say ignorance is bliss but I'm on the Gnostic path where I trade ignorance/bliss for knowledge/power. As I have been weak in this life and I mean power in the samurai sense not the president of the united states sense. (sad that power is now negative, gonna make for a weak minded society...another blog I know)
I realized people don't change and neither do I. In some ways we do change as I have changed so much about myself but I am still the person that is really focused on watching peoples actions and not listening to their words. I am still the person that can't help but point out the lie when I see it. Its who I am. All these other types are people who allow me to do that. I have to honor the idea that the only way I have been able to become better this year is as a direct result of these people. I really am grateful but the once the lesson is learned the need for the teacher disappears. In other words once you learn to fight there is no such thing as a bully.
I was a root packed plant.
I can say most people want you to be healthy, smart and happy.......just not too much. Not so much as to make them feel sick, stupid and sad. I get it. I've been there. The Morrissey song - We hate it when our friends become successful- comes to mind. But at this point I'm so focused on growth that I just don't have time for other peoples issues. And I'm so grateful that I didn't become successful because I may not have learned the lessons I have from failure. When I have learned everything I need to from failure then I will get around to being successful. I always say I've been a week away from greatness for years. I write this blog post to myself in the My Thoughts Blog in hopes that I will come back to it a year from now and say wow that was the last time I got caught in the trap of ignorance expecting a different result from the same old person.
At the core of everything is binary code the 0 and the 1 on this base level there is no third way. I recently has relationship with a person that has since ended and the common remark was there is a third way. I thought to myself growing together or growing apart with every decision in real time, every moment and the average of the 2 decides if you end up together or not. Choose together more than apart (and if the other person does also, which is the hard part, and you're together) I knew but I also knew that the persons commitment to the third way was simply a no in binary code. I f you ask a person if they want to be more serious with you or less and they say let me think about it, typically it means let me go try to think of a way to say no but keep what I have. This is a simple have your cake and eat it too appeal and it is often the third way. The punishment for choosing the third way in a binary system is the same as trying to inhale and exhale at the same time. You choke, no third way at the base level.
Here is a test I do. Don't over think it.
Take yourself and others through all the grey levels down to this base level and ask yourself
Would this person authentically celebrate my success if even if they didn't get anything from it.
In my experience I have had to look at myself and see that I'm self sabotaging because its easy but i have also seen how many people are "friends" because of what they can get.
I remember back when I was a drinker the idea that everyone is your friend when your buying the rounds.
None of this is good or bad. Most of us know consciously or sub consciously not to ask the questions that we already know the answers to. In some ways everything is an attempt at the third way. I already know that I can't have a third way but i'm here so I try to have fun toying with contrast. Too many 1's in a row I'll choose 0, too many 0's I'll choose 1. I have a friend who calls himself the fulcrum, the balance, the other side. Its why we are friends as I think of myself the same way. Of coarse this has pissed me off at times much as I have pissed me off thinking can't you just go along this one time.... nope. Remeber that everyone only has so much time so the cost of time with you is time with others this is why virtual friends are so great we get the idea of friends without the work. of coarse when things get really tough your virtual friends will wish you well in a FB post,tell you they love you and then go on with their lives. Because virtual relationships are no different than virtual porn and our society is starting to forget how to be turned on by a human instead of a screen. When I say virtual friends I mean anyone that you are "friends" with but don't spend time with.and I don't mean work friends i mean who do you spend your free time with because you like their company....that is where most people default to family. we are lucky to have a 2-3 real friends at one time. A person claiming to be your friend that doesn't spend free time with you is probably selling something. like getting a call from a friend and then having them pitch you an mlm.
I'm just going to keep growing. It may leave a trail of broken pots in my past. The goal is to grow so much that I get planted in the ground with no constraints. Independence has always been my goal and the question of "is it better to be loved or to be free? " has never been one that I hesitated on.
I own my life. I make my choices and I take responsibility for my choices. I am no victim. I knew in my gut who these people were before they ever showed their colors. The strange thing. In many ways I know them better than they do. I think when it comes to people I'm most attracted to someone who is a surprise or at least isn't easily.
For me anyone who directly or indirectly tells me not to be too smart or too healthy I know that they are a pot that may let me grow but only to the point that I don't out shine them.
Binary is the foundation quantity vs quality holds true.
I choose freedom.
This Blog is my "free to chat about anything on my mind" blog.
The other blogs are for health and the addictions writing I did eight years ago but this is me now day to day.
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