Balance9/6/2018 If you haven't yet read the Note for Context above and then enjoy
We are all made up of different parts that all work together. Some parts are seen and some are not. We are physical, relational, mental, emotional and spiritual. We are much more than this but this is a broad explanation. These five parts all effect each other and are meant to be balanced. If we focus too much attention to one than the others can be neglected and your whole self will suffer. In this same way when we fall to struggle it destroys every part. Only by recognizing the interconnected nature of our parts can we remove struggle from our whole self. Understanding our parts helps us to understand that all struggle starts because at least one part of our self is lacking. We choose to try to fill that empty space with the thing that later becomes our struggle. The faster we realize that struggle is a symptom of an existing imbalance in one or more of our parts the faster we can begin to treat the cause of struggle then removing the need for the struggle. We tend tend to move from one part to another. The body builder who's physical self looks great but can't seem to stop gambling. The mathematician who spends so much time learning about math that he has no relationships. We tell ourselves that if one part is ok than the whole is ok. If it can't destroy all parts than we are often happy to settle and take four out of five. That is why many people can overcome a specific struggle in their lives and still not see a real change. Someone may stop drinking and that is great, sad to smoke twice as many cigarettes and start eating terrible to die of lung cancer and a heart attack at an early age. We must recognize struggle in every part of ourselves and then began a total retraining of our body, mind, relationships, emotional responses and our spirituality including exposing ourselves to positivity. *Funny to see that I wrote this. when I did I was married with 2 dogs, four foster kids going to a church, a very different picture than my current life.I have struggled to balance my social part of me to other parts but also think that as we age we go more quality and less quantity in our relationships at least I have. Plus lets face it work takes up a lot of time. I spend less time with people but feel like the people I do spend time with fill me with so much more than shallow relationships...plus I have a cat. Learning a lot from reflecting on these old writings.
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Everything In Moderation9/5/2018 * Read the Note For Context found above
I get the impression that in our society we have convinced ourselves that moderation is healthy. It may come from the idea that all things are permissible but not all things are beneficial. I believe that the idea behind this phrase was an attempt to get people to step away from a set rules for everyone and to realize that we all have different struggles and the problems lie much more with the character of the person than the thing they are doing wrong. I tend to think about the idea that playing cards is evil. There were and probably still are people who thought anyone who played cards was a horrible person. I don't believe cards are evil but for someone who has a gambling struggle they may not ever be able to touch a deck of cards again. So we need to know ourselves. We all have different struggle and anything that makes you feel conflicted is a something that you should be able to do away with. Unfortunately, a person who is struggling with gambling and admits that he can't play cards ever again is looked at as weak and inferior by people who have no struggle with playing cards. They may say "playing go fish isn't a problem" and "we're not gambling" They may say that everything is ok in moderation. For people who have struggles things are not ok in moderation. It is very easy for people to always try to control their struggle thinking that everything is ok in moderation. If fact the hope is that someday their struggle will be controllable. It seems to make sense but moderation is a lie, maybe the best one people tell themselves. The reality is that it is very hard to quit something that you keep doing in fact it is physically impossible by definition to stop doing something that you are still doing. So only by rejecting the moderation is healthy idea can we quit anything. Another idea that goes against moderation is healthy is the fact that many things in our lives are entirely unnecessary . So much of what we eat, and watch and do are not required, we would only be better off without them. I'm not saying that you have to give all these things up but you could and you may be better for it. We actually need far less than we think we do. There was a time when there were no cell phone's computers or the internet, no processed foods. People lived. If it all went away today we would still live. So we can actually remove unnecessary things from our lives. Less is more in many cases. But most people want to believe that they need things so they criticize those of us that continue to remove unnecessary things from our lives. For me, no fast food is better than some fast food. If people started to find out that we could be much healthier simply rejecting the idea of moderation and cut out the things that are not necessary we could be happier people. *In my time since quitting drinking it seems like more "friends" have told me I should drink than those that have said I should stay sober. I understand balance but lets face it I don't need alcohol to survive even in moderate amounts. Be careful who you say this around as it is the goal of every addict to become a moderate. Many times the enabler knows the situation and prefers it because of the safety and control that is involved. Think back to high school and then think of the hottest girl you knew. Ok, now think about her ugly friend. Was the hottest girl really that hot or did she just position herself to appear hot by comparison. If the ugly friend becomes hot all of a sudden then the first hot girl has allot more work to do. What a perfect place to be if you don't want to have to change anything about yourself and you want to control everything but still not be alone. The enabler can have people feel sorry for them, appear so loyal and caring, and is never under threat of being asked to change. This is why many enablers get very scared if the ugly person next to them becomes good looking all of a sudden.
Both the addict and enabler lie to each other and lie to themselves. To break out of enabling clear boundaries must be set. If you use I will stop supporting you, and then the key is when the person uses actually stop supporting them. The addict will not believe the enabler any more that the enabler believes the addict when they say that was the last time. The addict will then test the enabler to see if they really mean it. This is the same testing that goes on by the enabler when the addict tries to convince the enabler that they really are sober. That is why it is so important to watch the actions of the person. The words are the same when someone actually changes and when they want people to believe actual change has taken place when it hasn't. The action is different every time. Don't be an enabler to people, it will prevent them from changing. *It's pretty clear to me the codependent dynamics exist everywhere but the more extreme the case the more destructive it becomes and the more recognized it is as a problem. In the same way the many people struggle with depression but extreme cases can no longer function. The functional depressed person is still depressed by we need some way to evaluate things and all measuring sticks are arbitrary and also can be very functional. Anyway, I my self have become far too aware of codependent dynamics and am not interested in them. the enabler wants control and to be comparably stable the other is afraid of personal responsibility so they give up control. Its an interesting dance and if either person changes the other will leave as the function of the relationship was always codependency. I believe tit is important for people to be alone. Not all the time but sometimes. To have the ability to see who you are when no one is watching and to see how you relate to the world when you aren't propped up by the codependent dynamics we use to make us appear strong. Know yourself. Addicts and Enablers9/3/2018 Some people resist change. One way that people remain trapped is to find an enabler.
This is a well intentioned person that doesn't share the same struggle. They don't know about the deception, manipulation that people will use to avoid change. The enabler provides the stability required to continue in struggle. This is most clear in the world of addiction. I come from this world and tend to view anything you can't give up as some form of addiction. So many people are trapped in addiction to one thing or another that I feel the need to explain what I know of it. Being an addict is expensive and time consuming. The addict has to stay stuck in lots of real problems so they have excuses to use but also so they can make excuses to the enabler. The enabler probably really wants the addict to change. They feel an obligation to the person and at times even help an addict so that they can appear comparably strong and stable not having to look at their own character issues. The addict wants to be cared about and also wants to continue to use. The addict likes the idea of change and that is why they can make convincing change statements. The problem for the addict is I really want all the good things that come from being sober now if I could just get that and still use. The addict will use charm and affection or anything at their disposal to make the enabler believe that this time they are for real. The addict lies to the enabler about changing but in turn and enabler will lie to the addict saying this is the last time I will help you out or continue to support you while you use. Yet they continue to come back and allow the addict to take from them. The enabler tells themselves that this is for the sake of the addict but it is another selfish act because the enabler doesn't want to believe that they are being played and that the addict never meant any of those wonderful things they said. * Knowing what I know now after all this time it is very clear to me that so many relationships are imbalanced in this way even if there is no specific addiction involved. It is so rare to have someone that you value and respect enlighten I avoid this type of a dynamic on either side. if you find this appreciate it. So many people put themselves in a role of control or one of being controlled either one avoids responsibility in a different way. Negative Accountability9/2/2018 Many times other people don't like change. If you decide to change you will affect the other people in your life. Often when people see a person moving toward freedom they feel a sense of desperation. For example when I was a drinker my friends were all drinkers. They didn't want me to stop drinking. They often felt the need to be the audible voice of the struggle. The combination of the internal voice of struggle mixed with the audible voice of the "friend" is usually enough to keep change from happening.
Many times people united in the love of a substance or anything else will use negative accountability. My friends and I would agree to never change or sell out, we will stay true and never leave the precious struggle or each other. They agree if either one tries to change the other one will stop them. This mentality is not rooted in companionship but in the selfish desire to never be alone in struggle. If the people around you concur struggle and you do not you are left staring at your own weakness and loneliness. Then you must quickly find a replacement, someone who understands what you're going through. Someone who will never change and the cycle continues again. When people change they are often forced to move themselves away from their social world, friends family. The cost of freedom is great but so is the reward. * At this point I see that we connect to others through shared behaviors or shared thoughts. I tend to connect through thoughts much more than action. I often think to myself that the big difference between me and other people is that others tend to think to lead to experience where I tend to experience to lead to thought. So similar but at the same time so different. Not better or worse just different, always trying to make sense of of it all. NoteI was an Alcoholic
This blog contains many of the ideas that helped me to get sober and stay sober. Everything in Italics is me now, commenting on the writing from 10 years ago. Everything not in Italics is the 8 year old writing. In some ways I am the same but in others very different that is what make it interesting. AuthorRob Alexander Archives
August 2019
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This website does not provide medical advice.
The information, including but not limited to text, graphics, images and other material contained on this website are for informational purposes only. The purpose of this website is to promote broad consumer understanding knowledge of various health topics. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified Health care provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition or treatment and before undertaking a new health care regimen. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website.
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